My Greatest Strength & Struggle
Is it possible for ambition to prohibit progress?
Sometimes I think so. There's so much I want to do, all at once, that I feel that as much as ambition is one of my greatest strengths, it's one of my greatest struggles.
It's something that turns madly inside of me, and keeps me awake most nights. The willingness, the want, the drive, to get there.
It's funny the word "there," what is it? Where is "there?"
I actually don't know, but it keeps me up at night thinking of what I could be doing to get "there."
What if I gave up all that I have given up to get "there," only to realize I shouldn't have. I left my family, I left a life that I once had planned out to risk to get "there" for this dream of entertaining people. What if "there" I found out isn't worth it once I'm there? It's scary. It's a very real feeling that's overcome by the feeling of knowing in my gut it's something I've always wanted, and listening for God about open and closed doors.
It's people whom I love so much, whether I've met them for a day or have known them for a lifetime. I treasure people, their stories, and to tell them through acting and journalism.
I was in a long winded conversation with a friend this week, catching up, chasing my tail discussing everything I need to do, what I'm not doing. Am I behind? What could I add to help carve, chase, and achieve "there." I actually stopped myself in mid sentence almost laughing at my anxiousness, and said I don't even know what it is that I want, I just know I'm not there yet.
It was a moment where I was so caught up in saying how much further I still had, and just stopped myself to realize I don't even know what that looks like. Of course I have an idea, of what that is I want, what that "there" looks like. It's funny how we can get so caught up in the "there," when in reality the "there" will always be changing. 4 years ago, the "there" I'm at now, would be something I would have craved/dreamed for, and now it's not enough, I want to be onto the next "there."
I then, was scrolling through Instagram a few days later, and was struck by ESPN reporter, Sam Ponder's post. It reigned so true to everything I've been stuck on lately, and I couldn't agree with her words more. For context: She had just finished being a guest on the View, she's happily married, has the cutest little baby, and takes her on the road with her on ESPN Game Days.
Just a little encouragement for all you youngins out there: I walked by this sign every day for 2 years in 2006-07 as an intern, getting people coffee, etc and generally going unnoticed. Today was special because I was able to reflect on 10 years of God's faithfulness despite my mistakes, the support of friends and family and the realization that no worldly standard of success satisfies. A great reminder for me that fun days like this are enjoyable only because of the relationships you develop along the way. Don't be in such a hurry to get where you think you want to go that you miss out on the best part of it all... the people along the way."
Of course I loved the aspect that 10 years ago, she used to walk past the sign, the dreaming aspect of seeing that "there." But, what I loved even more was what she said about the journey, it's true. It's easy to get tangled in the goals, you can miss the greatest part, the people on the journey. They also are the ones that celebrate with you along the milestones. Additionally, I love how she referenced that it's important to surround yourself with friends and family that have the mindset that no worldly standard of success satisfies.
So, ambition, will eventually get me "there," accompanied by God's plan, direction, and faithfulness. But, the reality is, the "there" will never be all that I want. Maybe that's the lesson. There really is never a "there." There never will be a time where I feel settled in my "there," and that's why I have to trust and have peace in the "there's" that God has for me along the way.