If I'm Being Honest
The weekend hit, and I found myself scrolling through Instagram on my couch. My to-do list left untouched. The minutes ticked on, and the scrolling continued.
It started snowing, so I went on a walk, and captured tons of photos of the flurries that filled my neighboorhood, and headed to a friends with a box of donuts from our local bakery. I posted one image after another of the day on Instagram.
There are certain decisions I need to make with my life and career that I’ve been avoiding, because for the first time in my life, it all feels very, very murky. It seems as if all I can hear is the white noise of everyone else’s opinion, tips, and advice. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I follow where I feel God is calling me as the drumbeat and compass to my life, almost to a fault, to where it leaves many wondering what the heck I'm doing. Yet, I always seem to land on my feet, usually with lots more surrounding me than I could have fathomed, which is just a testament to his goodness and grace.
However, lately I feel more like I’m lost at sea with little navigation skills, wondering where the captain is. Like a kid in the middle of July who is anxious for Christmas. I know God is good, I know he delivers, and that everything comes in his timing, (Ecclesiastes 3:11). But, if I’m being honest I’m confused, with way too many options of which direction I could go, yet none really feel “right” at this moment.
I keep questioning why God called me to Nashville. I’ve done a lot of cool, fun things, but there has yet to be an overwhelming feeling like, ‘this is why you called me here. This is why I left my job I worked years to obtain for?’ Lately, it’s felt like maybe the sole reason I’m supposed to be here is peel back layers, like an onion, and nothing feels more boring and terrible than vulnerability to me. I’ve always viewed it as something that gets in the way of being productive, as a weakness, and an obstacle in getting the job done. Yet, in Nashville, people constantly ask you about your feelings, your heart, and it’s retraining your brain to even think that way.
So, all this to say is if I’m being honest, I feel pretty lost lately in life. Confused, and if I know anything about hearing that drumbeat clearer it’s not going to come from being surrounded by comparison. I’m not going to find the answer scrolling mindlessly on Instagram. I’m not going to get closer to where I want to be by reading through all the messages strangers send me or the direct messages guys send asking me out. I just need a little break. So, I’m hopping off Instagram. I deactivated my account, but received a few tweets and messages wondering if I had blocked them, so I re-instated it, and am just going to log off until mid April, or later.
I’ve been really honest about the journey of a dreamer, and towards my dream since I was a starry, wide-eyed 18 year old moving to LA for the first time, and covering the Grammy’s at 19. So, I want to be honest with you about this side too, because I don’t know that we talk about it enough.
Life isn’t the images we’re selling as the narrative to our lives.
I know that because on Saturday I posted as if life was 100%, but in reality I’m really struggling right now. Wondering if Nashville is even the place I should live, and what path in my career I should take of the options laying on the table, and these are defining moments in life. The moments where you play into doubt, or you commit to trust. And I know nothing is going to make me doubt more than getting caught in a rabbit hole of comparing my life to images that fill my social media feed, so I’m taking a bit to refresh, away from it all, and get back to that drumbeat.